Something magical began the day I met my husband. It was so extraordinary that it embraced every cell and fibre of my being. He was confident, strong and treated me with a respect and love which l had not experienced before. I knew from that day that he would be my heart and home.
Our love story spans over two decades, with all its peaks and troughs. It is a relationship that has been nurtured through a deep connection, and its resilience has been tested by mental illness. Through a series of life changes and losses, my husband experienced periods of darkness that opened wounds so deep it tested the fortitude of our marriage.
Like an invisible blanket, the depression swallowed us whole as we made it a daily practice to hide our struggle, leaving family and friends without an understanding of the decline in my husband’s mental health or our marriage.
The downward spiral brought with it feelings of guilt and neglect that came from deep in my heart as l took on the carer role. There were times I felt responsible for his depression, which left me in a state of lethargy and hopelessness.
'I grieved for what we once had and the beautiful memories that seemed so far away.'
I feared our marriage would end, but l could not find a way to bring our relationship back on track. Communication between us was scant, as much of what l said was misinterpreted, and l found myself being scrutinised unnecessarily. We did not share the same view of the world.
Over time, we both realised that despite the depression, we loved each other deeply. Even though everyone else could see it, we had temporarily lost sight of the fact that there was something special between us. We were blinded and consumed by the depression. We found that as we spoke about our deepest wounds, we would trust and respect each other in the process, for communication was our strength before depression entered the picture.
From my perspective, I yearned to find that independent and confident woman who fell in love and not the weary yo-yo emotional wreck that l had become. After years of caring for my husband on the roller coaster called depression, my inner child was suffering. My pleas to understand why, while internally hugging my fragile inner child after an argument, was more than I could bear.
It was at my darkest period that I began the journey to alter my perspective on trying to control depression, fix my husband’s life and stop playing the victim. I focused my energy on acknowledging my journey and remembering the brilliance of our marriage before the depression.
I trusted, surrendered, and let go of the struggle from this loving space. I began to shine a light on depression with compassion and love, instead of hopelessness and frustration.
'Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, our relationship saw life for the first time in many years.'
We acknowledged that as a couple, we needed to learn and grow from life’s challenges rather than consciously pushing our relationship to the edge to find a resolution.
As a carer, I learnt that the darkness clouding our marriage had to be embraced with unconditional love. I needed to understand it rather than fighting the depression quicksand.
We learnt that pausing before speaking in the moment of anger allowed an engagement of more compassionate and loving words.
More importantly, through the gentle process of exposing our vulnerabilities to each other, revealing the unattractive parts and the fear, we began the healing process and brought the light back to where hurt and neglect had existed.
Fear was no longer manning the gate as a newfound love surfaced that was richer and more magnificent than the wounds that had been cracked open.
It was here that our souls embraced for the first time in many years. We were feeling and tasting freedom and not the stranglehold of depression.
Journaling to Acknowledge My Light
An incredible coping tool was revealed in the beautiful events that unfolded during the dramatic shift in our marriage. I turned to journaling and writing to expose my inner light and to understand the depth of my courage and resilience.
I was drawn to people who wrote daily, as I had no background in expressive writing. I sought advice to understand how to write from my heart space. I wanted to share with the world that hope and recovery are possible through a compassionate heart and that stigma has no place, for it fuels the darkness that so many fight each day.
I started my journey by writing for ten minutes daily, disconnecting from the world. I looked within and coupled to a spaciousness that encapsulated my soul.
It felt like a vibrational reset that allowed me to gain clarity about past events. It revealed the lessons and the sacred inner connection of my spirit to see what was driving my life and the purpose of my being.
This beautiful stillness brought on a flow of lucidity that directed my hand to write from the heart. This daily practice gave me a deep sense of worth and connection in a divine flow of peace.
I began to share my words on various mental health Facebook sites and support groups, and in doing so, I received acknowledgement and gratitude for sharing my vulnerabilities and relating an experience that was familiar to so many others.
I have been blessed in many ways during my life, however finding peace each day and writing is the ultimate gift to myself. As I connect with my soul, the pen and paper take on a synergy that I hope will touch someone’s heart. I write to reveal the struggles of carers and the people they support.
Living with a spouse who suffers from depression has been a life-changing journey that has kept me in a state of compassion, as l can now hold the space for others. It brings to mind a Buddhist perspective on depression that says –
‘Darkness is a place of emptiness, but also of fullness. It is filled with unlimited potential. It is out of this void that a new birth comes’.
My birth as a writer and author has been made possible because of my husband’s illness. l am eternally grateful for the man he is and the bright light he has become, which has allowed me to share our story with the world.
Carmela Pollock has been an advocate for mental health for 5 years. Her current project sees her advocating the role of a mental health carer, supporting caregivers through her voluntary work with Beyondblue. She has also contributed to the Deakin University Delphi project as an Expert Panel member establishing guidelines for carers of people with major depressive disorder.
Carmela has co-authored and shares her carer experience in the book titled ‘Grieving for the Living’, which captures her story of supporting her husband with depression.